to know me is to know that surrounding me with bees is the quickest way to making me instantly panic and cry.  it's just another random childhood experience that makes me who i am today...i shall elaborate...

 

i was like 8ish years old.  we had ground bees in our front yard.  my grandpa was coming over with some spray-stuff to put in the hole to kill them.  i was playing in the yard and decided that i needed to cover the hole with a leaf so that i could trap as many bees as possible in there prior to my grandpa's arrival.  i then had a second and exponentially more brilliant thought..."hmm...if i leave that leaf over the hole, how is my gmpa going to get the stuff in there?...i should remove the leaf."  ...and there began the moment that scarred me for life.  i removed the leaf and was swarmed and bit too many times to count.  i proceeded to run...and by run, i mean, run like the people in movies that are being chased...ya know, one of those screaming/looking back/falling down runs...getting bit the entire time.  i made it through the yard, around the deck and into the house...and still some of the bees made it in the house after me.  i was immediately thrown in the bathtub and covered with some type of stuff from my parents garage?...all i remember was it was in a metal container and i thought at the time it was gasoline...but, it couldn't have been, right?  anyway, it wasn't a good experience and i have avoided bees ever since.

 

and here we are today...i had done so well avoiding the bees for like 20+ years...that is no longer true.  over the weekend i decide to hit up a local nursery (plants, not kids).  i was going to buy a tree.  i chose this weekend because it was the big sale weekend.  for those non-Mass residents, Massachusetts has this tax-free-shopping-weekend-thing.  i guess because NH is so close and has no taxes when you buy stuff, MA loses a lot of revenue to people crossing the border to buy their loot.  the solution MA came up with was to have these big tax-free sales.  well, last weekend was this big ol sale.  so, i think...trees are freak'n expensive, and i should take advantage and buy one during this dumb sale.  i go down there - see the signs for 50-90% off + no tax/etc./etc. - so, off i go to the way back of their nursery in search for a tree.

 

ok...we've had rain lately...and i'm talking excessive rain, so the ground is saturated around here.  well, i'm walking along their path - which is at least 100 yards long and like 15 feet wide.  it's all mulched...but that mulch is now black because of all the mud/rain.  off i go with my flip flops on...in my happy 'kid-free, beautiful day, get'n a great deal on a tree' mood.  i'm back to the point where no one can really see me - amongst the trees...and suddenly i sink...quicksand sink up to my knees.  no joke.  and because i have flip-flops on i try to quickly get out, but the mud flies from my flailing flip flops onto my face/in my hair/on my shirt/arms...basically everywhere.  i laugh in horror and disgust.  i'm now finally getting to the damn trees - covered in mud and mulch.  i think i find the one i like and then i feel this prick on my foot.  i look down - see all the mud/mulch all over me and think 'i must have been stabbed by a piece of the wood mulch'...and carry on with my upward tree scanning.  then i realize - 'son-of-a-bitch - that's really starting to hurt'...i look down and there are bees all around my feet!!!  i take off.  now remember...i'm now trying to run in flip-flops through muddy mulch with random quicksand holes that can't be seen while being chased by bees.  it was awesome.

 

i'm now completely covered in mud and heading toward the stand where i would purchase the tree.  the 18 yr old kid in there greets me.  i say "can you tell me what your discount is for the maple trees, as i think i've found one i like?"  him: "everything BUT the trees are on sale."  i take a moment and breathe, while in my mind i'm thinking "@#)$&@#)(%&$)#*%.*!"  i then ask "can you tell me at what point the trees will go on sale, since it's the end of the season, i figured it'd be now, if not soon."  him: "i have no idea - our headquarters has to tell us."  me: "yes, but, generally - in the past - when do your trees go on sale...like late Aug/Sept?"  him: "i told you i don't know - do you have any other questions?"  again...deep breath...walk away.  (for many of you...yes, i have matured in my later years and i appreciate that you maybe shocked but proud of me for my reaction)

 

i attempt to wipe the mud off my ars and get in the car to drive home.  i call jon and say "i will be home in 5 minutes...i need a cold beer set outside by the hose...and there's no laughing or i'll literally kill you."  i get home and hose off my muddy, bee-stung self...no tree.

 

my foot then decided to swell up like a freak'n balloon...just might have somethan to do with me being allergic to bees.  it has been swollen and itching for 4 days...and when i say itching...i mean ITCHING like i want to rip my foot off itching...it's ridiculous.  oh, and did i mention i'm limping around treating it with an ice pack that is rubber-banded to my foot bc i'm nursing and can't take freak'n benadryl/etc.  yah, awesome.

 

so, in summary...i still hate bees and i am now reminded how much bee stings hurt and how allergic i am...so, i think i'm now even more afraid of bees (which i didn't believe was possible).  landscaping note to self: no flowering plants around my pool!!!